I only have one request for the New Year. That is now that 2011 is dead and buried, may we never speak of her again! Last year was one of the shittiest on record. So bad that I almost hate to explain the end of it because it would make me sound like I was whining.

December was Nephew 2.0’s birthday. He turned four this year, and wanted to go to Chuck-E Cheese for his party. Chuck-E Cheese came out back when I was about ten years old, and it’s been about that long since I had been to one. I expected to see hoards of drippy nosed feral kids swinging from the light fixtures, so I popped a handful of Tylenol before I arrived. To my surprise, other than the “No guns allowed” sign at the entrance, it was not as loud and out of control as I thought it would be. The pizza was even edible. The night went without a hitch, and all was well. However, a little less than a week later, I came down with a nasty cold (I blame Mr. Cheese, and all of the runny nosed kids having birthdays that same night). For a few days I thought I was going to die “again” like I always do at this time of year. I couldn’t shake the cold, so the magical baked ham dinner with all of the fixings including Yorkshire puddings, were eaten cold over the next few days. I didn’t want to chance wasting any of the yummy ham if you know what I mean. The rest of the week was pretty much spent laying in front of the television feeling like poop.

Mom and I opened one present each on Christmas, but the rest haven’t been touched. My brother and his family went to Utah to visit his in law’s, so our tree is still up and loaded with gifties for the beasties when they come over tomorrow to open them. I didn’t get any holiday cards from anyone, but that is normal. I did get a letter from the IRS one day before Christmas saying I made a $600.00 mistake on my 2009 taxes, and they would like that right now. Nice! It’s good to know the man was thinking about me during the holiday season. I got another shock when I looked up the books I will need for the upcoming winter quarter, and saw that I still needed the piece of crap loose leaf textbook I threw away a few quarters ago. I wasn’t planning on taking any more math classes while I was attending Clark, but that has changed, and cost me an extra $90.00 to re-buy a new copy of the book I tossed. I really, really, really hate this text book because it isn’t bound. It also contains 1100 pages. I will only be using 150 of them during this class. I really want to slap the rube that ordered these books. Sure you can carry one chapter at a time, but the pages rip out pretty easy, and become lost.

New Years was spent playing World of Warcraft with the other people who were spending their holidays locked up in their homes. Yes, I play WOW! Don’t judge me; it’s cheaper than going out every night and blowing hundred of dollars on booze. I’m all for booze, but not while I am on a non-existent budget. Just before midnight I was watching re-runs of the A-Team. Like I said! Don’t judge me! Hahahahahahaha

I was supposed to post my usual holiday rant, but I felt like warmed over death, and didn’t finish it. I hate to see it go to waste so here is the first portion. I still haven’t finished the second, and third parts.


Santa and Such

I just finished watching a documentary on Santa Clause, and came to the conclusion that our American Santa is just too plane boring for me. To me, he bears too much resemblance to that estranged drunken uncle we all seem to have with the big beer belly, and the bulbous red nose. One scene showed Santa rising to his feet after coming down the chimney, and began slapping copious amounts of soot off his jacket saying “Ho, ho, ho”. The first thing that came to my mind was “Ho, ho, ho bitches, have some soot”. That must have been a shock. Everyone running down stairs on Christmas morning wondering what Santa has left them, and what do they see? A coal mine inspired crime scene compliments of Santa. “Thanks for the cookies, and milk; here have a $500 cleaning bill”. I actually took notes while I watched this program just so I wouldn’t miss out on any of the hilarity. This enabled me to break down the holidays into a few big chunks. Enjoy~

1. Santa

Back in the day Santa was known by a few different names (Sinterklaas, St. Nicholas, Sinter Claes). Saint Nicholas seems to be the busiest of them all for he was the patron saint of Children, sailors, fishermen, merchants, broadcasters, the falsely accused, prostitutes, repentant thieves, pharmacists, archers, and pawnbrokers. “I like the pawnbroker, and falsely accused the best”. Anyway, he was a very sainty looking guy.  His robe and hat were almost priestly looking, and all of the children of Europe saw him as a kind, and gentle man who would bring them all presents on Christmas Day.

The Santa we have in the states was dreamed up by American businessmen to sell Christmas stuff (Along with MTV, this was another happy thing from my childhood that was crushed by commercialism). The Santa we have now is not only a Coca Cola ad campaign gone wrong, but he also looks more like Uncle Barry, the Patron Saint of obesity, and diabetes. The thought of his big butt getting down even the largest of chimneys would leave one to believe that the sleigh was dumped long ago, and replaced by Fed Ex for proper present delivery. Now while Fed Ex breaks their backs on Christmas Eve to stay on time, our portly Santa kicks back at the local Starbucks where he downs a few dozen over sized macchiatos. Who cares that he is double parked in a handicap spot, he’s Santa? Who would give Santa a ticket?

The other two parts were about Holiday oddities like the Christmas log you beat with a stick until it poops presents, The Yule Goat, and the scary side of the holidays where we see millions of children getting the holiday shit scared out of them by Black Peter, and the Krampus. I need to finish them up so I can add them to my little Santa story.

This is a really long post so I’ll stop here. I hope I didn’t hurt your heads too much.