Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

“I know my reviews are more summaries than reviews, but it’s my blog so there….”

It’s been a while AGAIN, but here we go. The quarter I just completed was a bit out of hand, so I haven’t watched too many movies. Now that I am off for the summer, and my Netflix queue has about 300 movies in it, I can finally catch up. This time around I seemed to have picked two more turds. Well maybe a turd and a half. OK, one big steamer for sure. I know most people will tend to disagree with me, but as I said before “It’s my crappy review”.

We have two movies with the same leading actress. This was totally random, but then again I always watch the DVD previews because they usually show interesting movies you’ve never heard of. When you pick movies this way, sometimes you end up with the same cast in both movies. Of the two movies, one was OK, and the other made me want to claw my eyes out.

Let’s start with the turd shall we.

Ira and AbbeyIra & Abby    (2006)

Starring: Jennifer Westfeldt, Chris Messina, Jason Alexander

Let me start this off by asking HOW THE HELL DID THIS MOVIE GET SUCH A HIGH RATING? I’m not even going to get into the plot of the movie, because I can’t really. I could only stand about ten minutes or so before I almost threw the remote at the DVD player in an attempt to make it stop faster.

Jennifer Westfeldt plays some of the most annoying characters I have ever watched. I now dislike her choice of roles SO bad that if in real life she was in any way like the people she portrays, I would be overcome with the urge to slam my head in a door soon after meeting her. I may sound like I’m over reacting, but I am not. Everything I have watched her do in the last two days has succeeded in pushing one or all of my many pet peeve/anger buttons. I really can’t stand being around people like this. What bothered me so much? Here are a few:

1) Being unable to make a decision. Over acting the act of changing one’s mind twelve times or more, out loud, and in a single breath. That shit drives me crazy, but when she does it the act is so blatant and over acted I want to throw a shoe at something to make it stop. I know it’s a movie, but I also know some people like that, and I want to throw a shoe at them sometimes too. Ms. Westfeld seems to do that in all of her movies, but OOooo in Ira & Abby, Chris Messina does it too!  Ten minutes of “I’ll do this, no maybe not. I’ll do this, well no maybe this, but if I do this this…no wait back to the beginning.” MAKE IT STOP!

2) Talking with your mouth full of food. They do it a lot in this movie. If I was at the table I would have asked if they were twelve? Swallow your damn food. Then talk. I’m sorry, it may just be me, but I really don’t feel like listening to some idiot mumble with an overstuffed mouth full of food. Especially when they are making no sense while they’re chewing their cud.

3) Your speekenese needs to have some sort of direction. I know they were supposed to be in a budding dysfunctional (tee hee) relationship, but the majority of the conversations were all scattered, and made no sense. It was like watching a pile of kittens chase a string. I had the impression that the script blew off a table, picked up a bunch of lint from the floor, and that lint somehow made it into the movie as dialogue?

I don’t know why this movie angered me SO much, because it has received rave reviews from a lot of credible sources. Maybe that goes back to the golden movie rule of “If the critics hate something, go see it because it is usually a great movie.” In this case, everyone loved it…..and I thought it was a turd. Reverse psychology rating at it’s finest.

Next we have Kissing Jessica Stein

Kissing Jessica SteinKissing Jessica Stein          (2001)

Starring: Jennifer Westfeldt, Heather Juergensen, Tovah Feldshuh, Scott Cohen, Jackie Hoffman

I think I liked this movie for all of the wrong reasons. No, not because it was about a lesbian relationship, but I’ll get to that later.

This movie was about Jessica. She works as a journalist in New York, and has a horrible social life. She is desperate for a relationship, but all she can find are a bunch of psychos. Jessica is a real knowledge snob, and has a habit of making fun of people who are not as smart as she is. She ends up answering an ad in the local paper’s “women seeking women” section, because the person placing the ad used a few literary quotes she recognized.

To make a long story short, she ends up liking the woman (she is really cool), but because she is from a strict Jewish family, is freaked out about the possibility of being seen as a lesbian or in a lesbian relationship. All of her friends know she is seeing someone, but none of them suspects it’s a woman. Jessica (Jennifer Westfeldt) is almost as annoying as the main character in Ira & Abby, but her new friend (Heather Juergensen) is pretty cool, and slightly as annoyed as I was with Jessica’s inability to make a decision about anything. I actually thought that Jessica’s friend and co-worker Joan (played by Jackie Hoffman) was a more likable character. She ends up being very understanding, and even fascinated by Jessica’s new life.

In the end, we all learn a valuable lesson about friendships. We learn that real good friends are hard to come by. When we have real good friendships, they can weather just about anything and hopefully last a lifetime.

This movie was not as annoying as Ira & Abby even though we saw some of that “Holy crap make it stop” behavior from Jennifer Westfeldt’s character Jessica, and an over bearing mother that tries to rule her adult children’s lives (I hate that too). I liked the movie for the friendship part not the “Ooooh two girls” part. I don’t spend any time at all in the social arenas, so I wouldn’t know, but if most men acted like the ones in this movie, I would hate men too. I guess I don’t really hate this movie. Maybe that is the reason I didn’t list it as a true turd. That being said, I still wouldn’t add this to my movie library.