Category: Movies


More Crappy Movie Reviews (1/3/2014)

walter mitty  This is my first crappy movie review of 2014. Enjoy ~

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)

Starring:Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig

WOW! This is the first movie review of the New Year, and it was a whopper. Let me begin this crappy review/blog post with the words HOLY SHIT! I swear my eyes must have been like dinner plates while I was watching this movie. What did I see? Oh yeah, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I thought it was the best movie I’ve seen in a long time. It has nothing to do with the 1947 Danny Kaye version which would normally annoy me, but this time I’ll let it slide.

Walter Mitty (Ben Stiller) is a nobody who works for Life magazine. He handles all of the picture negatives for the magazine. He’s also the only one who handles all of the pictures for a specific and very famous photographer (Sean Penn). Walter constantly daydreams about being someone, and basically lives out fantasies in the pictures that surround him work.  I’m not going to give away the whole movie, but basically something happens that throws Walter head first into a real life daydream where he ends up learning a lot about himself and the world. The adventure takes him from the US to Iceland, the Himalayas, and even into the ocean.

I hate comparing myself to fictional characters in movies, because they are…..fictional. However this movie was different. I seem to be exactly like Walter Mitty. No, I don’t look like Ben Stiller or work for Life magazine. I HAVE been “close” to nowhere or done anything spectacular in my forty-six years. I haven’t traveled much except for one trip to Mexico about 12 years ago. I have however traveled the world. My adventures have been through the camera lenses, blogs, and travel shows of others. Their travel has in a way been my travel. I know more about the remote places in the world now more than ever thanks to the internet/TV.

You may be thinking that sounds kind of sad, but I don’t think so. Thanks to other people’s willingness to share their exotic trips, I now have an enormous bucket list of places to see, smell, and taste. Someday I might see them first hand but if I don’t that’s fine, because in a way I’ve already been there. Excellent movie. Well written. Awesome soundtrack. The movie reassured me that it’s OK to have an imagination. Now I need to figure out how to get to Australia, Vietnam, England, Ireland, Scotland, France, and a few other places so I can begin checking off my own bucket list. Thanks to the people I mentioned earlier, I already know where to go. It would be fun to travel with someone, but if I don’t I can show someone else my travels then it would be just like they were with me all the time.

If you like movies about adventure, I would highly recommend this one.

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Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

“I know my reviews are more summaries than reviews, but it’s my blog so there….”

It’s been a while AGAIN, but here we go. The quarter I just completed was a bit out of hand, so I haven’t watched too many movies. Now that I am off for the summer, and my Netflix queue has about 300 movies in it, I can finally catch up. This time around I seemed to have picked two more turds. Well maybe a turd and a half. OK, one big steamer for sure. I know most people will tend to disagree with me, but as I said before “It’s my crappy review”.

We have two movies with the same leading actress. This was totally random, but then again I always watch the DVD previews because they usually show interesting movies you’ve never heard of. When you pick movies this way, sometimes you end up with the same cast in both movies. Of the two movies, one was OK, and the other made me want to claw my eyes out.

Let’s start with the turd shall we.

Ira and AbbeyIra & Abby    (2006)

Starring: Jennifer Westfeldt, Chris Messina, Jason Alexander

Let me start this off by asking HOW THE HELL DID THIS MOVIE GET SUCH A HIGH RATING? I’m not even going to get into the plot of the movie, because I can’t really. I could only stand about ten minutes or so before I almost threw the remote at the DVD player in an attempt to make it stop faster.

Jennifer Westfeldt plays some of the most annoying characters I have ever watched. I now dislike her choice of roles SO bad that if in real life she was in any way like the people she portrays, I would be overcome with the urge to slam my head in a door soon after meeting her. I may sound like I’m over reacting, but I am not. Everything I have watched her do in the last two days has succeeded in pushing one or all of my many pet peeve/anger buttons. I really can’t stand being around people like this. What bothered me so much? Here are a few:

1) Being unable to make a decision. Over acting the act of changing one’s mind twelve times or more, out loud, and in a single breath. That shit drives me crazy, but when she does it the act is so blatant and over acted I want to throw a shoe at something to make it stop. I know it’s a movie, but I also know some people like that, and I want to throw a shoe at them sometimes too. Ms. Westfeld seems to do that in all of her movies, but OOooo in Ira & Abby, Chris Messina does it too!  Ten minutes of “I’ll do this, no maybe not. I’ll do this, well no maybe this, but if I do this this…no wait back to the beginning.” MAKE IT STOP!

2) Talking with your mouth full of food. They do it a lot in this movie. If I was at the table I would have asked if they were twelve? Swallow your damn food. Then talk. I’m sorry, it may just be me, but I really don’t feel like listening to some idiot mumble with an overstuffed mouth full of food. Especially when they are making no sense while they’re chewing their cud.

3) Your speekenese needs to have some sort of direction. I know they were supposed to be in a budding dysfunctional (tee hee) relationship, but the majority of the conversations were all scattered, and made no sense. It was like watching a pile of kittens chase a string. I had the impression that the script blew off a table, picked up a bunch of lint from the floor, and that lint somehow made it into the movie as dialogue?

I don’t know why this movie angered me SO much, because it has received rave reviews from a lot of credible sources. Maybe that goes back to the golden movie rule of “If the critics hate something, go see it because it is usually a great movie.” In this case, everyone loved it…..and I thought it was a turd. Reverse psychology rating at it’s finest.

Next we have Kissing Jessica Stein

Kissing Jessica SteinKissing Jessica Stein          (2001)

Starring: Jennifer Westfeldt, Heather Juergensen, Tovah Feldshuh, Scott Cohen, Jackie Hoffman

I think I liked this movie for all of the wrong reasons. No, not because it was about a lesbian relationship, but I’ll get to that later.

This movie was about Jessica. She works as a journalist in New York, and has a horrible social life. She is desperate for a relationship, but all she can find are a bunch of psychos. Jessica is a real knowledge snob, and has a habit of making fun of people who are not as smart as she is. She ends up answering an ad in the local paper’s “women seeking women” section, because the person placing the ad used a few literary quotes she recognized.

To make a long story short, she ends up liking the woman (she is really cool), but because she is from a strict Jewish family, is freaked out about the possibility of being seen as a lesbian or in a lesbian relationship. All of her friends know she is seeing someone, but none of them suspects it’s a woman. Jessica (Jennifer Westfeldt) is almost as annoying as the main character in Ira & Abby, but her new friend (Heather Juergensen) is pretty cool, and slightly as annoyed as I was with Jessica’s inability to make a decision about anything. I actually thought that Jessica’s friend and co-worker Joan (played by Jackie Hoffman) was a more likable character. She ends up being very understanding, and even fascinated by Jessica’s new life.

In the end, we all learn a valuable lesson about friendships. We learn that real good friends are hard to come by. When we have real good friendships, they can weather just about anything and hopefully last a lifetime.

This movie was not as annoying as Ira & Abby even though we saw some of that “Holy crap make it stop” behavior from Jennifer Westfeldt’s character Jessica, and an over bearing mother that tries to rule her adult children’s lives (I hate that too). I liked the movie for the friendship part not the “Ooooh two girls” part. I don’t spend any time at all in the social arenas, so I wouldn’t know, but if most men acted like the ones in this movie, I would hate men too. I guess I don’t really hate this movie. Maybe that is the reason I didn’t list it as a true turd. That being said, I still wouldn’t add this to my movie library.

Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

“I know my reviews are more summaries than reviews, but it’s my blog so there….”

Here we go with the second turd of a movie I just finished watching.

killing them softlyKilling Them Softly (2012)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Ray Liotta, James Gandolfini, Richard Jenkins and Scoot McNairy?

I really wanted to like this movie even more. It was directed by Andrew Dominik. He’s only directed a few movies in his career, so I’ll try to cut him some slack. At least he didn’t write the movie.

Here is my nutshell description: Mobster robs himself thinking no idiot in his right mind would do that, and gets away with it. Local small time thug thinks he can rob the same mobster the same way, because no one in their right mind would be stupid enough to do that either. Mobster’s boss gets wind of all this and sends their resident thug in to get the money back, and to teach those involved a lesson on why it’s bad to think you can steal from the mob.

Ray Liotta is the guy who robbed first, and was one of the few characters I liked. Pitt’s character had loads of potential, but was reduced to “talking” hit man for 90% of the time he was on the screen. He really wants to be violent, but his employers seem to be more interested in keeping up their corporate image intact.

This story and half of the characters had SO much potential, but it was wasted on excessive and weird conversations. Conversation can really add to a movie if it’s thought out and done well. These conversations, however, didn’t add very much to the plot at all. One group of characters constantly talked about how one of them is obsessed with having sex with anything that moves. Throughout the whole movie he looks as though he has been living in a dumpster which keeps painting pictures in my mind that my mind didn’t need to see.

James Gandolfini and Brad Pitt’s characters make up the other pair which were supposed to be hit men, but all Gandolfini did was drink WAY too much and talk about his balls. Yes, in one scene he kept zoning out while Pitt is telling him he drinks too much, and starts talking about issues he has with his nether organs which is another picture I didn’t need painted for me.

Sure some people finally got beat up and some finally got killed, but the time it took to get to that point allowed my mind to wander to more interesting things like the lint ball that I noticed rolling around under my desk.

My second….or is it my third beef with this movie? I don’t remember? Anyway, the other issue I had with this movie was the cast. Ray Liotta was great. Brad Pitt was great even though his character seemed to be on a leash for most of the movie. The characters I didn’t like were played by James Gandolfini, and Scoot McNairy. Gandolfini lost me when he started talking on and on about his ex-wife and his balls, and Scoot (nice name?) McNairy irritated me from the start with his voice. He sounded more like a squeaky rat than a low rent thug. By the time the movie was over, his voice sounded more like nails on a chalk board.

Overall I thought there was a lot of potential in the concept and in some of the main characters, but it was wasted on the weirdness. Other movies like Clerks used shit loads of dialogue successfully, but the dialogue in this movie was more like listening to your creepy uncle talk about drugs and hookers to the neighborhood kids. I just sounded wrong. I don’t like hearing things that make me want to take a shower.

I would like to see Pitt’s character in something better. His character had that that 70’s tough guy swagger that looks like it would make some cool 1970’s,  Friend’s of Eddie Coyle  style mobster movies.

Oh yeah, I know it’s kind of petty, but I also get irritated seeing crappy effects in a modern movie. I’m a gun guy, so please don’t show full screen close-ups of a semi-automatic pistol spitting out CGI bullets followed by crimped blank casings. It screams “fake gun, stop paying attention now”. And that’s what I did…..

Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

“I know my reviews are more summaries than reviews, but it’s my blog so there….”

I know it’s been a while, but here we go again. This time around I picked two real turds. I know most people will tend to disagree with me, but as I said before “It’s my crappy review”.

revolver  Revolver (2005)

Starring: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Vincent Pastore, and Andre Benjamin

I really wanted to like this movie. It was written and directed by Guy Ritchie, a man with a seemingly golden touch when it comes to English gangster type movies. This time around I gave him an “F” for fail.

Here is my nutshell description: Guy (Jason Statham) gets in trouble and does some time for something. He gets out of jail and starts trying to get back at the people who screwed him over. He ends up being picked up by some other “organization” that seems to have total control over him. They take all of his money and in turn they tell him to duck when he needs to duck, and to take the stairs instead of the elevator. Each time he ends up being saved from being killed by this odd group of people.

Honestly, I watched the movie less than forty-eight hours ago, and I can’t remember how it ends. Personally I think the majority of Jason Statham’s movies: Crank, The Bank Job, and Transporter 1 2 & 3, the Mechanic, blah blah blah…..used to be one giant movie. Someone thought it was way too long so they cut it up into a dozen or so shorter movies and gave all the pieces different names. All of these rubber stamped movies = POOF! A career! Snatch was a different story. I liked that movie a lot. The rest? Pfft.

I think Guy Ritchie dropped the ball by making another Statham Cool-Aid movie instead of his usual good movies. Disagree if you want, but I didn’t like this movie at all. I didn’t even like the majority of the characters. Ray Liotta’s character was the most believable out of the whole cast. I’m glad I got this through Netflix, because I would have been upset if I had paid the usual $30.00 to see it in a theater.

 

(added 3/30/13)

Oh, and I almost forgot to say this. I also hate, hate, hate movies that are partially animated. There are a few scenes that jump in and out of a cartoon. Yeah, I don’t like that. It’s not a comic book, it’s a shoot-em up movie.

Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

“I know my reviews are more summaries than reviews, but it’s my blog so there….”

elizabethtownElizabethtown (2005)

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Jessica Biel, Susan Sarandon, and Alec Baldwin

This is a movie about Drew Baylor (Orlando Bloom). Drew was hired by a large company to develop the next best shoe. He almost did that, but the shoe ends up being recalled costing the company close to a billion dollars, and his job. The same day he is fired, his sister calls to tell him that his father died in a small town in Kentucky. Now Drew is forced to go pick up his father’s remains, because his mother (Susan Sarandon) is acting REALLY weird, and his sister is freaking out over her sudden weirdness. So left without a choice, he flies back to Kentucky where he meets all of his very southern relatives (one very appropriately and well-played by Paula Dean). During his flight he is relentlessly pestered by a flight attendant (played by Kirsten Dunst). She gives him the wrong directions to where he needed to go, never shut up for a second during, and after the flight was over proceeded to yell to him across the terminal. Drew’s extended family doesn’t know he has been sacked from his job, so they are under the impression he is some sort of corporate big shot which makes Drew hate his situation even more. On top of everything, Drew’s girlfriend dumps him, because he isn’t successful anymore. Basically Drew’s life has turned to shit, but just before he gets to the point where he’d rather chew on a pistol, he hits it off with (Kirsten Dunst Of course they end up hitting it off). She gets his mind straight, settles everything with his family, and decided to go on a road trip with his father’s cremated remains. Yadda yadda yadda, we have a happy ending.

Honestly, as soon as the Kirsten Dunst character entered the movie I wanted to hate it really, really bad. She drove me bat shit with her annoying inability to not get a clue to leave someone alone. Only later did she redeem herself by telling Drew that she knew he was a mess, and someone had died, so she didn’t want him to be alone during the flight. She then does a lot of really thoughtful things that pull him around. She does some even more redeeming things for Drew’s drive back home. I will admit that the way her character first appeared almost made me turn the movie off, but then I started getting into the story, and couldn’t turn it off. Drew is just a guy who had things in the bag, but stumbled. He was having trouble adjusting to his new predicament, and a perfect (and of course good-looking) person when out of her way to make him feel better. I watched it again just so the irritating plane scene didn’t sneak up on me, and liked the story. The characters were all right (even Paula Dean) which made the story believable. Sometimes I get irritated at happy endings, but this one didn’t bother me as much. If you are looking for a good life movie then I would recommend this one to you. Not to sappy, not to funny. Kind of pleasantly right down the middle. I don’t see it as being meant to be funny, because the subject is kind of messed up, and sad at first, but it gets better.

More Crappy Movie Reviews (11/15/12)

Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

The key words for the following movie reviews are “Organized Crime”.  I can’t seem to get enough of crime stories especially ones that have to do with the Irish Mob. I don’t condone the violence, but I like the attitude.

Kill The Irishman   (2011)

Starring: Ray Stevenson, Christopher Walken, Vincent D’Onofrio, and Val Kilmer

Our first movie is Kill the Irishman which was based on the life of Danny Green. Due to a tough upbringing he developed a hatred for Italian-Americans including the local Mafia. After a brief stint in the marines where he excelled in boxing and marksmanship, he became a longshoreman. After growing tired of the way the workers were being treated by the underhanded bosses of the longshoremen unions he bullied his way into the union leader. Once there he began his life of crime. After a few years of being a crooked boss himself, and partnering with some of the local mob bosses, he was investigated and arrested by the FBI for racketeering. Needing work he becomes an enforcer for one of the local mob bosses. Money is borrowed, money is lost in transit, people get butt hurt, and try to kill “The Irishman” which pisses of said Irishman who goes on a bombing rampage. There were 35 bombings during the Irish/Italian mob wars in Cleveland during the 1970’s.

After a failed attempt to blow up Danny Green with a car bomb, he actually had the stones to tell the mob during a television interview that if they wanted to come try to kill him that he “worked right here” (pointing to the trailer where he conducted his business behind his own house). Finally after a lot of bombings, and a lot of executions, things finally caught up to Mr. Green. In the end, all of the violence ended up helped the FBI break up the Mafia’s hold on Cleveland Ohio.

I liked this movie. I thought it was really cool how one person was enough of a badass that he basically told the mob to go fuck themselves on national television. Before that Danny accomplished a lot. Sure most of it was illegal, but it was still a lot for a self-taught high school drop out.

 

44 Inch Chest   (2009)

Starring: Ray Winstone, Ian McShane, and John Hurt

Movie number two is sort of a psychological version of Reservoir Dogs. Colin Diamond (Ray Winstone) is crushed when he finds out his wife is having an affair with a young, French waiter at the local fancy restaurant. The waiter is surprised to learn that his new bed pal is married to local mob boss Colin Diamond. He is literally surprised when he is dragged from his place of employment with a bag over his head, and thrown in a van. Colin Diamond is a “mature” mob boss, but he still has enough muscle to make the waiter disappear. He’s also a real sensitive guy, and thinks that killing the scumbag that’s being friendly to his wife would actually make her hate him even more ruining the chance of them ever reconciling their relationship. There is a lot of alcohol consumed on very little sleep, so you can only imagine the amount of hallucinations Colin experiences between grabbing the Frenchman from his place of work, beating him, locking him in a wardrobe, and deciding whether or not to kill him.

When I watched the trailer I thought the movie would be a lot more violent, but it turned out to be one of those dialogue movies like Clerks, or Reservoir Dogs. There are a few scenes that involve some hand to face action, but it’s mostly taking place in one room between Colin, and the soon to be dead rival that shagged his wife of 20+ years. The action moves all around the room throughout the movie, and you end up either laughing at for feeling sorry for everyone in the cast. At first I didn’t know what to think, but as the movie went on, I couldn’t look away. I’d give it two thumbs up.

 

I have one more to review, but I need to get to class. I’ll be sure to post it when I get home.

More Crappy Movie Reviews (10/27/12)

Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

 

Documentaries! Documentaries! Documentaries!

I’ve watched a few over this past week. Some were informative, some were kind of sad, and some really pissed me off. Let’s begin with informative shall we. The story was called “Ingredients: Who’s Your Farmer”, and it was about the local food movement. The farms showcased in the documentary were all pretty close to my house which makes me happy, because now I know I can go to a local place to buy organically grown produce from a small independently run farm. This not only supports the local farms, but provides me with really good quality food.

Ever since I put together a few research papers on food conglomerates, I’ve really made an effort to NOT buy their mass-produced shit basically. These giant growers/producers are trying to run the little guy out of town which sucks, because the larger producers don’t grow much of a variety, and they grow genetically altered foods. I don’t think people should mess with nature, because it seems to work pretty well on its own. I also don’t agree with spending a million dollars on man power, and gasoline just to make sure I can buy something that is naturally out of season in my city. I don’t need fresh peaches from South America in December: I can wait until next summer for them. There are plenty of seasonal things to eat close to home. I also don’t like the larger growers producing one variety of something in the millions of tons when I can go to a small farm around the corner, and purchase a variety (tomatoes) from Mom & Pop’s farm. Mass produced foods are a real source of irritation for me (as if you couldn’t tell), so I’ll cut this rant short.

Check it out. Who knows, you may get inspired to look for your own local market/farm.

 

 

The second documentary I watched was called “Patriocracy”, and to tell you the truth, it wiped out any shred of hope that my country will ever successfully pull its head out of its ass. The story pretty much points out in glaring detail how our political system has dropped “for the good of the country” attitude, and replaced it with a put up a fight, and win at all costs attitude (purely because they hate the other side). I’m not pointing fingers at either side, but when a congressman plainly says “I vow to spend every waking hour shooting down any policy proposed by that man (President Obama), and trying to undo everything he has already passed” I think he has completely missed the point as to what a public servant does? He needs to re-evaluate, and do two things: one, respect the Presidential position even though you don’t like the man (he’s essentially your damn boss), and second, try to spend your time in that expensive chair doing more productive things like working together with other political type people to try and “unfuck” the United States.

I really don’t see that happening any time soon, because most politicians seem to be into it for the fight, and the eventual book deal, and care very little about anything but themselves, and how they look. Personally I would like to see them all lined up and bitch slapped. Maybe that will snap them out of fight mode, and put them back into let’s put our heads together for the common good of our nation. “The nation they work for”……assholes…

 

 

 

 

 

Thirdly we have “Atomic Mom” which is about Pauline Silvia who was a Navy biologist who worked for the military’s nuclear program during the 50’s and 60’s. She did a lot of work at the Nevada Test site, and at government laboratories in Northern California. It’s been fifty years since she left the program, and she is still haunted by her contribution to nuclear research, and the overall damage it caused our planet. She was sworn to secrecy when she left the program which forced her to deal with her demons on her own until her filmmaker daughter found out she was no longer forbidden to speak of what she actually did for the government (and national security). Some of her stories sound more like the script from a horror movie. She seems to be suffering from a multitude of health issues caused by her prolonged exposure to radiation, and radioactive environments, but she wouldn’t talk about her sickness. Instead it’s as though she is trying to make amends with those who ended up on the receiving end of our nation’s atomic “research”.

Saying I liked this documentary wouldn’t sound right. The documentary did enlighten me on just how insane our government seemed to have gotten once they discovered the atom, and the power it contained. I have mixed feelings about nuclear power/weapons just because any accident has the potential to be SO lethal and SO permanent (recent catastrophe in Japan). Sure it’s a source of energy, but is that worth forever destroying parts of the planet with testing, and possible accidents? I don’t know that is is….

Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

Thor

(2011) Starring Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Stellan Skarsgard, Anthony Hopkins

Everyone knows about Thor right? Well ok if you don’t I’ll break it down real quick like.

We begin with Thor. He is the son of Odin. They are Gods. Thor is not only a spoiled son of a God, but he’s also an asshole. He has a   massive ego, and acts like a rock star. He pisses off his father, and gets banished to earth without his powers so he can learn some humility. Thor meats girl, likes girl, but is too much of an ass for anything to happen between them. He is more occupied with finding his hammer (Typical guy, prefers tools over hotty heroine). Meanwhile his brother Loki turns out to be a bigger asshole and makes a bunch of trouble both on earth, and at home. He tries to kill Thor, but Thor ends up saving the day. Yadda yadda yadda…

Here is my beef with the movie which isn’t even a beef with this movie per say. I liked Thor “The movie”. Where I have a problem with Thor stems from the Avenger’s movie that just recently hit the theaters. In Thor, Thor falls for Natalie Portman’s character Jane Foster. The dust is settling, and he’s just about to stay on earth for a while so he can have some play time with Jane (Who wouldn’t its Natalie Portman?), but he has to go back to his home planet “real quick” so he can kick his brother’s ass for stirring up trouble. “That was a long sentence” The two of them start gnawing on each other’s faces just before he leaves, and he tells her he will be basically back in a sec so they can continue gnawing on each other’s faces. Something happens. Thor gets stuck at home, and can never get back to Jane, and everyone is sad especially Jane, because Thor is a hotty, and she wants her muscle-bound man toy back.

– Insert Avengers movie –

In the Avengers, Loki (Thor’s asshole brother) is back causing trouble on earth, so the Avengers are assembled to stop him. Once again, it’s a great movie, BUT now that I’ve seen Thor, I wanna know how he got back to earth, and did he ever get back to gnawing on Jane’s (Natalie Portman) face? Some of us what to know.  Was Thor being a typical player when he told Jane he would return for her when he really had no plans at all of returning? Did he bump his head, and forget her? Was he put off by her being smarter than him…..I don’t know. Almost any way you look at the situation….Thor is still an asshole. Am I right? Both movies were great, but now that I’ve seen both, I wanna know who got Jane? Come on its Natalie Portman? She’s Padmé for cripes sake. Millions of nerds would run over their own grandmothers for a chance to stand next to her at a bus stop? Inquiring minds want to know? Hmmmm maybe Thor is…….gay? Which is fine with me. Whatever floats your boat? He is a God right? That means he can do whatever he wants.

My weird twist on these movies aside, I liked both, and would consider adding both to my collection. I hope you found my rendition of the movie helpful if not comical.

Here are some movies I have watched, and my crappy reviews of them.

I have one word for the two movies being reviewed this week, and that would have to be “sad”. One is sort of sad, because you feel sorry for the star, and the other is sort of sad, because the people portrayed in the documentary came off as a bunch of dogs trying to piss on the same bush at the same time. I guess no one ever mentioned to them the old “if you have nothing good to say to someone, then don’t say anything”. My six year old nephew knows that…sad.

 

 Humble Pie

(2007) Cast: Hubbel Palmer, William Baldwin, Kathleen Quinlan, Mary Lynn Rajskub

Tracy Orbison (Hubbel Palmer) has been working the same dead end job for years. I dreams of doing something with his life. One night he is given some tickets to a local play, and is bitten by the acting bug. He tries to take acting lessons at a local adult education center, but because of his looks, and lack of social skills is not taken seriously. He ends up being taken advantage of by his acting teacher (William Baldwin), his family, and even the local teenage thugs that take advantage of his trusting personality. Life ends up kicking his butt, but he ends up doing some of what he has dreamed of which is acting, and may have even found love?

I kind of like movies like this. The main character never seems to get a fair shake, and you feel sorry for them throughout the whole movie, but in the end good things happen to him. You can’t help feeling happy for the person even though he/she has only made a half a step in the right direction. You get the feeling they will be ok. This was produced by the same people who did Napoleon Dynamite, and it sort of has the same vibe. Napoleon Dynamite was way funnier, but I still liked this movie. I would recommend this if you are into those goofy “good guy does ok in the end” movies.

 

 

 

Knuckle

(2011) Starring: James Quinn McDonagh, Michael Quinn McDonagh, Paddy Quinn McDonagh, and Ian Palmer

This is a documentary about two overly proud Irish families have hated each other for as long as anyone can remember, and the hatred deepened after a fight in the early 90’s left two members of one of the families dead. Ever since then they have been fighting like cats over it. Basically one family would call the other family a bunch of doodoo heads, and they would settle things in “fair” bare knuckle boxing matches. Once the dust settled the other family would do the doodoo head calling, and again with the fights. It’s been like this for years.

Honestly, after about fifteen minutes of this I felt like I was back in kindergarten, and it was recess. Obviously no one ever told these guys they were acting like six year olds…wait, my six year old nephew knows better….If you like watching a bunch of Gypsies yell at each other in an incoherent dialect then beat the shit out of each other then this is right up your alley. I on the other hand, got bored with it after about ten minutes. Like I said in the intro “like a pack of dogs trying to piss on the same tree at the same time…..Watch at your own risk, or save yourself some time and watch it on Youtube; That’s where I found out about it.

Here is a movie I have watched, and my crappy review of it.

The Other F Word

(2011) Cast: Tony Hawk, Flea, Mark Mothersbaugh, Mark Hoppus, Art Alexakis, Rick Thorne, Fat Mike, Joe Escalante, Brett Gurewitz, Matt Freeman

Basically the movie is about a bunch of old punk rockers that’ve grown up and become family men. The whole punk scene back then was fuck everything, and now the “F-word” is fatherhood. When I first saw the trailer for this movie I was excited. You could say I dabbled in the punk scene back in the mid-eighties, and it looked like a movie about some of the heroes of my youth, and what they were doing now that they are grown. Well, kind if. It seemed that the majority of the movie was about Jim Lindberg from Pennywise (I never liked Pennywise), and the rest were just kind of thrown in for fluff. Some of the people in the film were not even members of punk bands (or bands that I never thought of as “punk”). Some of the people like Ron Reyes from Black Flag were hardly mentioned, and Mark Mothersbaugh from Devo was definitely not. All Mark did was say a few sentences, and he’s on the major credit list. Come to think of it, I never liked most of the bands in this film. It was good to see Flea (Red Hot Chili Peppers) and his family, and the little bit of Ron Reyes, but I was hoping to see more. There were some funny scenes like when Fat Mike (NOFX) walked his daughter down the street from his San Francisco home to the local play ground. Of course he’s all decked out in boots, multi-colored pants, and spiky hair, so when he get to the playground the other parents grabbed up their kids and left. His response was “See, all you need is a punk rocker, and a camera crew, and you get the playground to yourself”.

I guess the people I was really hoping to see are all either still fucked up or dead. In a way I guess I can’t be mad…I still have all the music on my IPod, but I haven’t listened to it in ages. My hair is still short only because I’m going bald…I can’t remember the last time I was in a mosh pit, or in a fight. The last boots I wore were Army boots. I guess I’ve grown up as well. Maybe I was hoping for more, so I could pry some of those old memories loose from the back on my head. After watching the movie for a second time, I guess I’m glad these guys are living normal lives now, because back then none of us thought we would ever live this long….

I don’t know if this is a real movie review or not. I didn’t want to like it, but I guess I did. I don’t know if I would jump up and down with anticipation if I got to see it again, but it was OK.