My stupid phone just reminded me of some photos I have on my phone. Although these were taken during a REALLY bad time I’m grateful for still having what I call “little kid friends”. We’ve known each other for over 40 years and I’m glad they’re still in my life.
I’m tired. This COVID bullshit is grinding me down. I’m starting to hate people in general.
I’m really tired of having to care about people who absolutely do not care about me or the people I work with.
If you have something snarky to say about this post please hold hold your breath and go pester someone else. I really don’t care.
Dreams are weird. Well my dreams are weird. I usually don’t remember mine. I do have four specific dreams that I’ve had multiple times each over the past twenty years. They’re always the same and when they show themselves, I always feel good when I finally wake up. They’re like having a visit from an old friend. Last night’s dream was sort of nice, but I woke up too soon and I didn’t get to see the ending. It was like getting up to pee during a movie and missing the ending.
During this dream I met a really nice girl. I don’t remember her name other than she was really nice to me. I haven’t been on a real live date in about twenty years, so I was actually happy for the first time in a long time. We decided to go to the coast but while we were there my wallet was stolen at a grocery store and when I tried to but something I was arrested for not having any identification. “Told you my dreams are weird” I was really calm and embarrassed at the same time. Here I am on an outing with a really nice girl and now I’m in trouble with the law. Great! Things ended up working out and even though I really wanted to hit some people, my things were eventually returned and I was released. I didn’t think this mystery woman would want to stick around, but she did. Weird right. Everything seemed to be all good until I guess I had to pee, because I woke up before I got to see the ending…..
Well that sucked…
I even tried to go back to sleep and pretend I didn’t was up, but we all know that ever works. Maybe we’ll meet up again sometime. Probably won’t be tonight, because I just had two sausages and a beer, so tonight I will be dreaming about monkeys juggling hatchets.
I looked back at the post I uploaded on November 9th which was pretty bleak. I feel I need to post an update.
Five months later I’m still at the same clinic. Things have improved. The coworker who was making my life miserable was let go and I was given a raise. I had enough of the toxic environment, so one morning I put in my notice. I told them I had enough crap going on outside of work and I didn’t need a second helping every day when I clocked in. I was told they were going to have a meeting with the problem, but I told them as soon as that meeting was over she was going to come looking for me with claws out.
Ten minutes later I was handed a hand written not from one of the owners asking me to give them another chance then the clinic manager handed me a Starbucks and told me to go get something to drink. When I came back the problems car was gone. They thanked me for staying. Thanked me for always going the extra mile with all of my daily tasks and then I was given a raise.
It’s nice to have things work out for the better for a change. It sucks that somebody got fired, but the whole back office has a nice clam vibe now. It’s easier going to work especially in times like this when you know what you do is valued by your employers.
I have a lot more to write about work, but that’s a whole other post.
I need to find better things to do with my time. Now that we have to shelter in place I’ve already run out of things to do. I haven’t shaved in three days and that thought makes me itch. I’ve never been able to grow a proper beard. In fact the longest I’ve gone without shaving is three weeks. I was on a trip though the Yucatan and I didn’t want to deal with it, so I went O-natural. You’d think I come home looking like a wandering prophet, but you would be wrong. I looked like a homeless dog with the mange. I love the thought of 
shaving with a vintage DE safety razor. Part nostalgia and park economics. I own one of these vintage 1960’s Gillette Fat Boys and I’ve tried to use it safely for about 5 years. Every time I try to get used to it the constant blood loss makes me put it back on the shelf.
I don’t think it has to do with technique. I think it has more to do with sensitive neck meats. My cheeks are fine, but my neck bleeds like I’m trying to reenact a scene from Sweeney Todd. That’s what happened today. I was bored. I decided to dust off the ole Gillette and now my neck is covered with scrape marks and my face still feels like I haven’t shaved in days. It’s funny. I can fall off a three story building AND get hit by a car…get up and walk away, but try not to look like a hobo and it’s lights out.
Damn you nostalgia! Leave my face alone!
Ever get that feeling that that all the work you put into a new career was a huge mistake. I’m feeling that right now. Thank God and the three pound baby Jesus I left the tech industry, because while I was working a job I didn’t necessarily like, I actually made a living wage. Now that I racked up a bunch of student loans towards a career I thought I wanted, I am now working poor. I could actually make more money AND get a free lunch every day by working at fucking McDonalds.
The damn clinic I currently work for has been reducing my hours “due to the season, doctors going on vacation, an patient head count” for a few months now. I’ve been able to use PTO to make up for the loss, but I am now out of PTO and were are coming up on the end of the year which means a shit load more mandatory volunteered time off and unpaid holidays. As of now I can pay things that are due, but I will end up with $40 left to spend on stupid things like gas and food. Christmas? Yeah right.
I’m fucking 52! I shouldn’t have $40 in my checking account! I could better everything if I go back to school and finish my nursing degree, but here we go back to the fucking money thing. I can’t live on air while I go to school. SO glad I left my high paying shitty job for a happy job that doesn’t pay crap. I’m spending the remainder of my weekend looking for a new job. I hate looking for new jobs, because then I get to go through another holiday season with no insurance. Thanks to my body falling apart I kind of need insurance.
MMmmmmm here comes another shit sandwich! Thank you sir may I have another!
Stupid bullshit. 
I swear it never ends.
Ridiculous
When will the bullshit end?
It seems like every time I get on my feet BAM! Right in the face with another shit sandwich. I don’t like the taste of shit sandwiches. You’d think I’d get used to them over time, but you would be wrong. Every year seems to be betting shittier and shittier. The sandwiches are getting bigger and bigger.
When does it get better?
This year my decent job turned into a lesson in dept. “They like to keep us under 40 hours a week and make us take days off if there is a low patient head count.” That doesn’t allow me to pay bills. I work with a bunch in insane people. More insane that my last job that couldn’t afford to pay me.
I need to find a new job.
I need to go back to school, but I can’t afford it. Even if I could afford it I would be racking up even more dept that would take a century to pay off.
Social media is one of those free escapes, but it messes with you at the same time. All I see is how great everyone is doing. How great everything is. I know the grass is greener saying and all that, but from where I’m looking the grass is fucked up on both sides of the fence. I’m a grown man. I should be light years ahead of where I am, but I’m not, and it really fucking irritates me. Shit needs to turn around. I need to start throwing those shit sandwiches back from where they came from.
I’ll be 52 in a few weeks and I really have nothing to show for it.
Unreal……
Sorry for the incoherent rant, but I need to vent before I explode.
I haven’t posted anything in about eight months and lots of things have changed. Back in August when I posted my last rant, my job went to shit. I had been there for two years and everything was great. Then all of a sudden the clinic started having problems. We lost a HUGE amount of patients when one of the Oregon State healthcare plans went belly up. We lost thousands of patients almost over night. I worked for the two clinics on the Washington side of the river and they were doing fine. The four offices on the Oregon side of the river started floundering and tried to use us to keep the whole business afloat. Bad idea. They reduced the lower level staff before the upper level staff. Then they combined the upper staff which sucked, because the Oregon and Washington offices were run completely different. All of a sudden it was like throwing a branch in the spokes of your bike while you were coasting down hill at 40mph.
During the month of my two year review we were all told there was a wage freeze. That sucks because Medical Assistants don’t make a ton of money to begin with and at the time I was doing the work of three people. Then we were told they were down sizing the cleaning staff and the Medical Assistants would be responsible for cleaning the restrooms three nights a week. Well that was a huge red flag, so I put in my notice. I gave them a month. I didn’t have a job lined up, but I couldn’t just sit on the boat as it slipped beneath the waves. October 31st of 2018 would be my last day. I had thrown my resume to the wind and didn’t hear a peep back. Then I got lucky and landed a job on my last day. I actually had a phone interview with my current employer during my going away potluck. Everyone was wondering where I was. I was in my office taking care of business.
One thing you get when you change jobs is a period of time where you have no health insurance. Your old policy is no more, and your new one usually won’t kick in for ninety days. You can sign up for Cobra, but your premiums are three times what your employer was paying for your plan. My insurance wasn’t worth paying $1500 a month. That meant my six month follow up colonoscopy was put on hold. Last year, when I had my first colonoscopy, they found nine polyps and six of them were rather large. They all turned out to be benign, but my follow up visit is now seven months over due. This has been nagging me for months. A few weeks ago I finally scheduled my next visit which is the second week of May. I’m pretty stressed out about it too. If they do find anything the doctor said they will just remove it, but I know the drill. If they do ending up finding more in this short of a time it increases my chances of crazy things like cancer by like 50%. I guess I’ll find out in a few weeks.
I work in a pretty stressful environment which is exactly what I don’t need. My health has been beat like a red headed step child for most of my life and it’s left me in pretty bad shape. To date I’ve lost a total of 110 pounds and some change, but my A1c is now the highest it’s ever been. I’m taking the max dosage of my diabetic medication and my blood sugar is still out of control. I’m supposed to make an appointment with endocrinology to see why my body is fighting me. I don’t want to go on insulin, but I almost don’t have a choice. I want to try something different like Jardiance, but that is up to endocrinology and my insurance company.
As far as my job goes, it’s OK. I guess I shouldn’t complain. They are paying me a little more than my last job, but it’s SUPER busy. I carry a Fit bit while I work and my daily steps have gone from six thousand to thirteen thousand a day. Another downside to my new job is feeling like I don’t fit in. Like I’m the square peg. Like I’m working in a meat grinder. Back when I was interviewing, I asked the office manager about the MA turnaround and she said it was high…… Now I know why. I don’t want to quit what I’m doing, but this job wearing on me.
I think I need to update my resume and throw it back into the wind and see where it lands. Change can be good right?
It’s been a long time since I posted a regular blog. Lots of shit has happened in the past few years since I wrote anything. I guess I should post in chunks, so I don’t sound like a rambling maniac.
1) Still single.
That will never change. I thought it was funny that like five people at work thought I was gay. I asked what made them think that and I got everything from you’re not married to you wear big black glasses? I’m not sure how the hell those things make you gay, but if simple things like that make people’s minds up I’m doomed to be single forever. People say there is 
someone for everyone, but I think that’s bullshit. Some people were just not meant to be in a relationship. I’m not apposed to the idea of being with someone, but I’m old and crusty…I’m set in my ways, so maybe it’s for the best.
2) Health.
To tell you the truth I’m struggling. Lost 100+ fucking pounds and my body has been a wreck ever since. I found out I was a diabetic about eight years ago. I exercised a lot and went full raw vegan and pretty much reversed everything. Then I guess the stress of school then work then work and eating good food brought back all the bad stuff. In the beginning my A1c was 12.7. I got it down to 7.1. I’ve been trying to be as healthy a possible, but it’s now it’s back up to 11. My doctor is irritated with me, because she wants me to start taking insulin. I refused to take insulin in place of a fist full of pills twice a day. She got me a referral for endocrinology. I have an appointment this Friday to see if there is anything else I could do instead of insulin, but my hopes are not high. The whole diabetes thing is really pissing me off, because I have loads of diabetic patients who give absolutely no fucks about their health and their A1c is completely under control. I’m actually trying to live healthy and mine is climbing. Meanwhile I’ve been getting more leg cramps, like tonight, in both of my shins, at the same time. Diabetes sucks ass. I’m about ready to just give up and go back to eating raw grass. I’m shutting down my YouTube channel because the stuff I eat on there is bad for me. I only have a few bites of each thing I review, but I’m pissed off in general, so YouTube is over.
Back in November I turned fifty. I went to Hawaii to celebrate. That’s where I found out I broke the 100 pound weight loss barrier. We had to get weighed for a helicopter ride around the island so I guesstimated my weight over the phone. Turns out I was ten pounds lighter than I though. Hooray right? Then earlier this year I got my Happy Birthday colonoscopy. My brother was freaked out because they found one polyp during his last check. I was a little nervous about the doctor finding one in me. When I woke up I was told they found nine and six of the nine were pretty big. Now I have to have another one done in October of this year to see if anything has come back. I have a medical degree, so I’m not stupid. If they find anything this time around it increases my chances of developing prostate cancer to 50/50. Lovely. I was planning on going back to school to finish my nursing degree then go back again to become an nurse practitioner. Well that’s been put on hold while I wait for my next colonoscopy. If they find more polyps I’m not going back to school. The thought of spending close to $100,000 on an improved career AND having the possibility developing cancer would be a stupid move.
Getting older sucks. Getting older in a broken body sucks more. Lately I’ve noticed that while laying on my back I can feel a sore area right in the middle of my belly. It isn’t a sharp pain. It’s just a spot that’s sore when you push on it. One more thing to worry about right. Like I said, getting older sucks ass.
I think I’m done for the night. That’s enough gloom for one sitting. I’ll write more tomorrow.
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